"I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!"

Thirty years later, why don’t we all act more like we feel our lives have value? 

 

After disclosures involving closeted gay persons such as Congressman Mark Foley and Rev. Ted Haggard, isn’t it time to recognize more than ever the importance of encouraging our community to live authentic lives?  In recent interviews by Oprah and The Advocate with former New Jersey governor, Jim McGreevey, he confirms the need for authenticity and honesty in one’s personal life, which he chronicles in his new book, Confession. 

 

Howard Beale (Peter Finch in the movie, Network, 1976) implored us to do more as he shouted, “So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!'”

 

Who hasn’t felt this frustration in their life?  I will never forget that powerful and inspiring scene. At the time, I didn’t realize the impact it would have until a couple of years later when I became aware of my authentic sexual orientation.  Out before Ellen was in, I became committed to living as the gift that I am, and encouraging others to do the same.  For years, I have encouraged people to Stand UP and Speak OUT, expressing “similar” emotions but with a non-violent twist.  We must refuse to be controlled and manipulated by the ideas and opinions others have for our lives.

 

Anger is a powerful emotion when used in a positive manner to shift and transform our consciousness and lives.  It is a hindrance when we never do anything but yell out a window, our words lost into the air.  But it’s a start.  It is a declaration of “No more!"  
 

The scene with Howard, however, didn’t stop there.  He continued, “I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!...You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!'

 

(Instead of saying the following part from the movie, “Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis,” although it’s ironic how that which was said in 1976 is true even today), we might apply the next words to our own community, with Howard’s voice ringing in our ears…

 

“Then we’ll figure out how to get all of the people who aren’t living authentic lives to care about doing so, by helping them understand the empowerment that is available from walking and living in freedom.”

 

Now, let’s go back and hear the rest of Howard words after fuming about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis, “But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:

Howard Beale:  [screaming at the top of his lungs] "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

 

Howard makes his point. We have to refuse to take this anymore. This allows us to accept personal responsibility for having created the scenario we have today.  Water dripping on our head does not create a hole in a day or two.  Over thirty years, however, even a drip of water will create a crater in our soul. We discover our head no longer exists, and our cognitive ability to make good decisions goes out the window with out frustration.

 

Living fearful lives, rather than authentic lives, has taken its toll, and today we face those consequences.  By claiming that we are mad as hell and that we are not going to take it anymore, we move beyond our victim hood and believing that someone “out there” has done something to us that we can’t change.  Beyond being "mad as hell” and shouting into the wind, however, isn’t it time to help our community learn how to gain tools for how to “not take this anymore?”    

Rather than just being "mad and angry” and shouting into the wind, I decided over twenty years ago to Stand UP and Speak OUT.  During Minority Issues Day in Kentucky in 1985 during Leadership Lexington, a man in the back row yelled out, “I hear what you say about those gay people.  I just don’t want them teaching my children.” From the front row I stood and turned to him, facing the rest of the class, and said, “Stewart, I am a gay person in this community and I will not be held by fear.  If you wouldn’t let your child be taught by me, it would be their loss, not mine,” and I sat back down.  I previously coached women’s basketball at the University of Kentucky, and knew my strengths as an educator. The lunch break came shortly and Stewart rushed to my side to apologize for his remarks.  I looked at him with sadness and compassion, “Stewart, you don’t need to apologize to me.  I would need to apologize to you if I had not dared to stand.”    

That led to being kicked out of Big Brothers/Big Sisters.  My partner at the time was denied becoming President of Big Brothers/Big Sisters the next year.  From that day forward, I never looked back. 

 

In 1999, I made another important decision.  I joined Soulforce to confront the religion based oppression by Rev. Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, VA, and have continued as part of their leadership team.

 

In 2000, after being denied membership in Centenary United Methodist Church in Lexington, KY, I filed a formal complaint “for” (not against) the church to help them understand their spiritual violence for denying me membership because I am lesbian, and refused to repent of what they called my "sin."

 

After a particular incident in our neighborhood soon after we moved into our new home in 2004, I took roses and an invitation to dinner that said, “How can we change the world if we don’t know our neighbors?” when I learned of a petition that some wanted to start around the neighborhood.  I saw their fear as a call for love.  I would not match their fear with fear, as I knew we would then live in a blind neighborhood.

  

On May 9, 2005, my spouse, Robynne Sapp, and I made a decision that would forever change our lives.  We were reading The Advocate Magazine, and saw an article about the journey of Lars Clausen, the Lutheran minister whose journey Straight Into Gay America was to begin on June 14, 2005.  Reading his blog inspired us to “Just do It!,” setting the date, September 11, 2005, for embarking on our year-long journey, Gay Into Straight America. (Our neighbors, once month at a time, took care of our home while we were gone).

 

The neighborhood incident served also served as a catalyst for our journey, inspiring us to share, "You can't hate someone whose story you know." That works both ways, as we dared to know the stories of everyday folks and also share our authentic selves.

 

Each of these incidents served as a spiritual marker that led to the further integration of my sexuality and spirituality. 

 

I honor that each person has a desire to bridge the divide as we wrestle with our understanding of self and others. Deeper beneath most "tension or conflict," however, is a dream that each of us has. Recent events cause me to realize even more deeply the importance of these dreams.   I feel sad for Ted Haggard, and all those who have been impacted, because I know that he, his wife, and his children each have their own dreams beneath this difficult situation now. The deeper problem in our society is one of denying aspects of ourselves that are not bad or shameful, but that have been taught to be so by some religious teachings.

 

Rather than being empowered with living authentically (an essential characteristic of being human and cornerstone of all major faiths), many of us submerge our true selves  in an attempt to please others and be who/what they want us to be. We then find ourselves speaking one way and behaving another, exposing ourselves by flying the red flag of one who "protests too loudly" in order to navigate away from truth.

 

Before passing judgment, however, we might look deeper to determine how our own past denials regarding any situation might have contributed to an environment of fear in our society.   People, such as Jim West (former mayor of Spokane who has since died), Jim McGreevey (former NJ governor who resigned), Mark Foley (who resigned from Congress), and Ted Haggard (president of the 30-million member National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colo.), as well as many other gay and lesbian people have been impacted.   

 

The climate created through our fear and silence has contributed to building an environment that has taken us further away from living as our authentic selves.  How can we help those who have been impacted (on all sides) to begin to heal and live authentic lives?   

1) We can begin by doing it ourselves.  With that one intention, we put in motion behaviors that support our growth and our freedom.  Jim McGreevey has taken that step. True, he, like the others was "forced out," but should that be held against them? I think not.  Unfortunately, the cost of internal homonegativity, still perpetuated in many ways in society, takes an inner toil against the spirit.

 

2) We might also consider seeking a compassionate and forgiving stance (while still holding a person to accountability), rather than a judging stance, asking ourselves: "Have I ever had my words and actions not match?" And, "What was beneath the submersion of my authentic self?" The stuffing of our authentic self and not "speaking our truth" often leads to withdrawal of emotions, leading to numbing of self. This, in turn, often leads to inappropriate choices under the circumstances in order to feel relevant in our being. The cover-up and deception then has its own cost and consequences.

 

3) We might consider how those who spew their hatred against us have been negativity affected by the misinformation they have been taught, and how we can work to forgive their understanding of who we are.  Our silence has allowed them to be held hostage by these same cultural and religious teachings that led us to deny self.

Last, but not least, may we each endeavor to lift up, not tear down, one another.

 

© Dotti Berry, 2006

Dotti Berry, "out before Ellen was in," has over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur, consultant, trainer, and coach.  She has facilitated leadership programs and dynamic workshops in relationship, self-awareness, authentic connections and undefended love, diversity, non-violent process and sexuality.  She has a master's degree in education, and is finishing her doctorate in human sexuality. You can reach her at dotti@GLBTcoach.com.  Visit her website, GLBT Coach.

Dotti and her spouse, Robynne Sapp, recently completed their year-long journey, Gay Into Straight America, committed to engaging hearts and minds, creating authentic connections, and dissolving differences that separate us. Gay Into Straight America, was the initial project of their non-profit, Stand UP Speak Out.

Discover how to become a Stand UP Speak OUT Wind Changer. Take the Stand UP Speak OUT Challenge

They were legally married March 7, 2004, in Portland, Oregon. Their spiritual ceremony was July 31, 2004.  Click here for their story.   

You can contact them at:
dotti@GayIntoStraightAmerica.com or roby@GayIntoStraightAmerica.com

Please contact Dotti below about using the above material. This material may be shared with others through email and posting on other newsletters and/or on websites, as well as printed in publications or newspapers; however, it must be shared in its entirety without any changes made.   Appropriate credit listing the copyright and contact information must also accompany the article.

Dotti Berry

 

 

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