A spouse's FAQ about life with a transgender person

What is "Transgender"?
Transgender is a general term to describe people with gender variance. Typically they are categorized as either crossdressers (CD's) or transsexuals (TS's), although others such as transvestites (who cross dress for sexual pleasure) are included as well. TG's can be genetic born males, MTF (male-to-female) or genetic born females, FTM (female-to-male). In general, crossdressing MTF's want to dress/present like females on occasion (how often varies among individuals), while transsexuals want to actually be female and/or presenting as female full time. In general, people who are transsexual live with a desperate feeling that their inner self and their outward appearance (ie:physical body) are not congruent. Presenting as female on a full-time basis may/may not include taking hormones and/or genital and/or breast surgery. On the TG spectrum, my husband Bill, has come to the understanding that he is transsexual.
Is he gay? A pervert?
No. It is important to understand that gender and sexual orientation are not related. Transsexuals know they are transsexual, at least in some manner, as soon as they learn there are girls and boys. (As early as age three or four) Regarding sexual orientation, some males are attracted to females and some males are attracted to males; some females are attracted to males, and some females are attracted to females. In all cases, each person becomes "aware" of their sexual orientation (who they are erotically attracted to), versus "choosing" their sexual orientation. As a group, transsexuals are not pedophiles, don't engage in satanic rituals. They are not swingers and are not into S&M. They are not murderers. (But the risk of violence and being attacked is always a concern.) This does not mean that, like any other person in a population, that they could be any of the previous; however, it is not because they are transsexual. Transsexuals are in general, just normal people that have been presented with a very unique opportunity that most of us will never experience. Most TS's just want to lead normal lives. Also, many TS's tend to be highly successful.

When did he decide to be transsexual?
Nobody ever decided to be transsexual. From their earliest recollections, a transsexual realizes that "who they know themselves to be" and the biological body with which they were born, are incongruent. Often they never feel normal as children. For many years I knew that Bill loved me and our family, but I was always aware of a great underlying sadness. I often described him as being restless and discontent but never knew why. He knew exactly what was wrong, but because of societal viewpoints and teachings, viewed his situation as a "problem" with no solution, and so kept it a secret. Accepting himself for who he is, rather than as a "problem," is critical in him beginning to view himself as a gift to our world.

Is he seeing a psychiatrist?
No, but he is under the care of a physician that deals extensively with gender variance. In the past gender variance was considered a psychological disorder. For several decades now it has been considered a medical condition, and is mostly treated with drugs, surgery and counselling.

What king of help or support are the two of you getting?
Currently he is a member of a local support and social club of other similar TG's. Also, he regularly attends a transgender support group meeting at the Three Bridges Health Centre, part of of the Vancouver Coastal Health's Transgender Health Program. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find a similar support group for partners of trans people. I have found a couple of good online support groups and so far this is where I am drawing my support from.

Can transgenderism be cured?
In the past psychiatrists tried to cure transsexuals with psychotherapy. As far as I am aware no TS has ever been 'cured' by psychotherapy. Gender is a part of a persons core identity and cannot be changed. In recent decades doctors have come to believe that the only treatment is to try to help the transsexual patient to move toward becoming closer to their gender identity. This is generally treated with counselling, drugs and sometimes surgery.

Is it genetic?
So far is known, nobody has inherited gender variance. The current theory is that as the brain develops in the fetus, certain hormones play a factor in the development of the brain. At a certain time in fetal development a persons gender identity is defined. Most times, it matches the persons anatomical gender. Occasionally, it does not.

What is transition?
There are many aspects to transition. "Presenting" means dressing congruent to your feelings of self. For an MTF, this means female clothing, hair and makeup. For transsexuals clothing is mostly "fit-in" clothing you'd see everyday. (ie: jeans and sensible shoes – not fetish or exaggerated dress sometimes expressed through crossdressing or with drag queens) Other forms of transition can mean shaved legs, pierced ears, beard electrolysis, etc. Then there are various forms of drugs or related products. Under doctors care you can take t-blockers, drugs that interfere with testosterone receptors in the body. The result is loss of body hair and muscle mass. Finally there are full hormone regiments, these mostly will result in fat redistribution in the body. Following drug therapy there are various surgeries used to either feminize or masculinize the body. ‘Full’ transition would be someone who does most of the above and presents as the opposite sex. Some transsexuals only do enough of the above to make them feel better, in other words they present most of the time as their anatomical gender, but can also pass as their brain gender. That would describe my husband.

How will this affect his job and career?
He is extremely uncomfortable with the possibility of transitioning at work. He feels that others would be uncomfortable with him/her and it would be difficult for people to understand and to cope. So for the time being, he does not see a full transition as an option.

How will this affect your family?
We are committed to keeping us all together. At this point all of our children know about the situation and are coping well with the information. This is a journey for Bill and each individual in the family, as well as for our family as a whole. Until we know what this transition will look like, I don’t feel that we will tell any other family members.

How are you coping with the possibility of your husband changing genders?
The two of us love each other very much. For over a year, we have talked and read and researched and talked some more for hours on end. I am very involved and very supportive. I have encouraged him to seek help and support. Both of us have come to understand that our relationship is very special, and that many of the traits that make him TG are wrapped up in what made our relationship special when we were both teens. He does not want to hurt me and has even offered to ‘put it away’ again. However, I believe that doing that may kill him, if not physically, then emotionally and I am unwilling to take part in that. Just as I would not reject him or any other family member for some unique difference, I do not reject him for having a condition that he did not choose to have.

I have come to see my husband in a new light. Ok, that is the understatement of the year, but what I mean is that he has shown so much courage and strength. When I think of all the years of keeping this secret locked inside and being afraid that people would figure it out, I can’t help but feel both great compassion and admiration. I do not want people’s pity, I am proud to be married to Bill.

I have run through the full gamut of emotions. I have gone through all the stages of anger, denial, bargaining, all the emotional havoc and have come to a place that feels like acceptance (although not every day!). No matter what happens, Bill will always be my husband and the same person that I married. The only thing that will change is people’s perceptions of us and our relationship.

Does that mean I have no problems at all and it should be easy? No. Should my husband decide to live as a woman, there will be many problems for us to overcome. But we are committed to each other and our family.

If you stay won’t that make you a lesbian?
Sexual orientation is not part of this equation. Being with one person or another does not make them gay or straight. If I have to have a label, think of me as monosexual. What’s that? The term “monosexuality” has been used to describe the sexuality of people who only wish to be with one specific person, regardless of gender. Well, it’s not a common term out there, so I do understand that people will assume that I am a lesbian, but I have come to understand that I cannot control or be responsible for whatever issues that people may have with this.

If your husband is not proceeding to full transition, why are you sharing this secret?
If you are reading this document, then you are a person that I trust and have faith that you will support me. As I mentioned earlier, there is not a support group in Vancouver for people who are married to trans people. Most couples in our situation tend to split up and divorce. I believe that one of the reasons that this happens more often than not is because of lack of support from others. So I am setting out to build a network of people that although they may not understand what I am going through, and may not understand why I choose to stay, they will still support me as a friend. Also, I do not pretend to understand the process that my husband is going through. While today he seems solid in his decision to present as male at least most of the time, tomorrow may be another story.