| Inside Focus on the Family in July, 2006
by Dotti Berry
In July, 2006, we once again go inside Focus on the Family while out in Colorado Springs for the Soulforce gathering. Last year, we stayed behind an extra day since they closed down during our visit. This year, after the end of the walk that groups of us completed in various legs from the state capital of Colorado to the headquarter of Focus on the Family, but before the evening concert outside FOTF, Roby and I venture inside their headquarters.
Focus on the Family Headquarters
Roby and I can't help from say from the bottom of our hearts, "Thank you James Dobson! If not for you, most of these gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender persons who gathered, would never have met one another." Meeting with other Soulforcees continues our own internal healing, transforming us as we stand united against religion-based oppression.
Great insight comes to me from Mata Amritanandamayi, “Mother of immortal bliss,” better known as Amma, the hugging saint, mystic and philanthropist from India. She is an oddity in a traditional Hindu culture, since it is rare for a single woman to touch strangers, much less distribute such intimate personal blessings and distribute millions of dollars from her charities. Click here and visit her website.
Thousands from all walks of life and religions line up for hours just to receive a hug from Amma as she tours the United States. No questions asked. One lesson offered: Open your heart to the world. This is her message to our world, as she invites people in. When asked by a reporter if she has a message for Americans, she replied,
“We have to regain our original faces rather than wearing masks…We go more and more after the external world and we miss the inner self.”
Hers is a message that is more simple than complicated. Unlike Dr. Dobson, there are no full page ads and no Focus on the Family to make sure that we don’t have marriage equality. Unlike Dr. Dobson, there are no Love Won Out conferences to make sure that our friends and/or families understand that they are not to attend our marriage ceremonies.
If a simple woman and daughter of a lower-caste fisherman in India can understand the simplicity of a spiritual message, bringing light and love to each person she encounters, why does Dr. Dobson find that so difficult?
We continue to "Learn from History" regarding our own personal growth. We encourage all of us to "Learn from History" in this situation as well.
I often think of Jesus, Dr. King, Gandhi, Mandela and others when I experience the opportunity that my heart being cracked open provides. The gap between my head and our heart shortens, allowing me to feel deeply in ways that I have never before felt. It allows me to do for others what Jesus taught through example was possible…to hold a space of love for one another, so that I might be transformed through my crucifying moments. It allows my ego to die to itself, so that I can hold a mirror of love, magnifying the essence of each person I encounter. Without recent people, situations, and experiences during my days in Colorado Springs this year, this would not have been possible. I thank those we have encountered along our journey for showing us who we are not, so that we can awaken to who we are. Awakening supports us in creating undefended intimacy in our relationship, as well as in our relationships with others.
Every journey begins with a bold move, and every bold move is a journey. That is how our journey, Gay Into Straight America, began, and it continues as we go inside Focus on the Family. The bold moves take us to a deeper journey. For us on a personal level, there is nothing more important than moving toward undefended intimacy with one another, WHATEVER IT TAKES! Circumstances are not always the ones we might choose, but we know that we can choose our response to circumstances. We choose love because it releases us into freedom, while fear blocks and holds us in bondage. To take things personally halts our spiritual journey.
We again take the tour, meeting new people and greeting old friends from last year. Josh is our tour guide this year. Unfortunately, Betty, our tour guide from last year was not there. We leave our card with a note.
(L-R) Dotti, Betty & Roby from May, 2006
As we finish our tour, I look up and my eyes locked with a man leaning against the front desk in the entrance. We both smile and nod. I say, “Good to see you again.” Den Patterson replies, “You can’t get enough of us, can you?” I laugh. I genuinely like this guy. Roby comes over and says, “Den, it’s nice to see you, but we really hope we can stop coming here.” Den replies, “I don’t think that is going to happen.” Though we briefly talked with Den last year, as well as greeted him at the Love Won Out Conference in Seattle last June, we never had the opportunity for engaging in a deeper conversation. Click here to read synopsis of our experience of the Love Won Out Conference. Then you can click here if you haven't read of our experience inside FOTF last year.
I ask Den Patterson, head of security at Focus on the Family, about his family. He shares that his oldest son died in a car accident years ago when he was 14. Den was in critical condition for some time. It was a head-on collision by a drunk driver. I share that my nephew, Andy, was killed in an accident (hit by a train) when he was 15. This sad commonality, discovered while engaging with one another, allows us to connect in a new way. It is as if we truly see one another, connected through our humanity rather than through the separateness of one Focus on the Family employee versus two lesbians. We stand vulnerable, for this is the gist of our journey...engaging hearts and minds, creating authentic connections, and dissolving differences that separate us.
After our tour, we head to the Welcome Center. As we enter, a woman named Diane greets us. We ask her if she knows a woman who works at the entrance to the Welcome Center. We explain that the lady once lived in Bellingham, WA, and that we talked with her last year. We explain that we cannot recall her name. The lady we are talking to says she has been at Focus on the Family for 17 years, and cannot recall anyone who is from Bellingham.
We then consider watching the movie we saw last year about James Dobson. Upon asking if it has been updated since that time, and receiving the answer “no,” we decide not to watch it again; however, there is a TV monitor in the hallway, showing Dr. Dobson when he was a guest on Larry King Live. He once again states (as he has many times) that gay people have 300-1000 sexual partners. We cannot fathom that. That is not our experience, nor the experience of any of our friends. The truth is we have never met anyone like that. We would call such a situation, if it exists, an anomaly.
Before leaving the bookstore, Roby mills around in the hallway. Apparently she looks like she needs help because a Focus on the Family person walks up to her and says, “Can I help you?” Roby exclaims, “Oh, we met you last year and were asking Diane about you earlier.” The woman immediately recognizes Roby at that point, sharing that she and her family traveled back to Bellingham, WA, last summer. She talks about seeing how beautiful Bellingham is, and it reminds her to ask herself why she ever left! And her name? Diane! We affectionately name them Diane #1 (2005) and Diane #2 (2006). I walk out of the bookstore and join them. As we stand there, Diane #1 walks up. We discover that Diane #1 has never known that Diane #2 lived in Bellingham. Isn't it interesting that we have the opportunity to connect them on something they didn't know?
As the four of us now stand talking, we share with both of them about our journey, Gay Into Straight America. We ask if they would like to have a business card. They reply “yes,” and I rush out to the car to quickly grab some, having left my jacket in the car. When I return, Roby is thanking both Diane’s for their kindness that we are experiencing, not only from them, but from others at Focus on the Family. This is the value of moving beyond caricatures of one another to experience one another’s essence and connect authentically. Roby also tells both Diane's how scared she had been to consider walking through the front doors of Focus on the Family last year. Diane #2 replies, “I am so sorry that you were so scared," and with a quizzical look on her face asks, “Why??" She continues, "Dr. Dobson is a really nice man.”
Roby then says, "I realize Dr. Dobson is probably a very nice man, but he is very misinformed about who we are, and that misinformation is killing people and destroying families. The erroneous information he shares, saying that we are sick and sinful, that we have 300-1,000 sexual partners, that our relationship with God is impaired, that we aren’t fit to parent, that we can have relationships, but that we can’t be a 'family,' and that we can’t be married, is not simply unfair, but harmful."
Roby continues, "Though I was scared last year, I knew I had to walk through those doors in order to continue my healing. It was like confronting my abusers. The teachings of James Dobson led to my contemplating suicide in 2001. It is a pleasant surprise to experience kindness and warmth from individuals inside the doors of Focus on the Family, this year as well as last, even after sharing my truth. Simultaneously, I experience the opposite outside the doors of Focus of the Family, from the public teachings of James Dobson to the speakers and information at the Love Won Out conference I attended last June."
After Roby finished speaking, I extended my hand holding the business cards, and both Diane's extended their hand to accept them. I share with them that it saddens me to hear James Dobson reciting “statistics” of 300-1,000 sexual partners for each gay person on Larry King Live, as if that is valid and accurate. I say, “If James Dobson said, ‘I personally once met an individual, who said he/she had 300-1,000 sexual partners,’ I could possibly believe that person could exist; however, a blanket statement that is inaccurate and has no valid data to support it, is simply irresponsible coming from a person like James Dobson, who claims to be a Christian and a person of faith.”
Our truth is that we can’t help but like the people we encounter at Focus on the Family. The sad part is the untruth they believe about us because of Dr. Dobson’s teachings. Meeting us face to face has to impact that. We know that meeting them face to face affects us.
A friend, Jessica, recently wrote that when there is lying, secrecy, and general human interpretations, we hear different stories. Is that the root of the differences between how Focus on the Family and Soulforce view one another? If it is, we need to consider coming together, cracking our hearts wide open, and being available for what might be possible if love is the mirror through which we see one another reflected. Love allows every lie and every secret to be dissolved instantaneously. That is the nature of miracles where love paves the way.
Some aspects of the newspaper account in the Colorado Springs Metro about Soulforce were as inaccurate as some of the statements about us from Dr. Dobson. For example, the article quoted Focus on the Family officials who said, “Soulforce did not ask for a dialogue and in turn, Focus did not attempt to interject itself into the festivities.” Perhaps that is true for this year. Perhaps the reason they didn’t request it this year (if that indeed is what happened) is that Soulforce has sent 10 letters since 2003 requesting dialogue with Focus on the Family. Dr. James Dobson and Focus on the Family has refused to dialogue.
We also see Den at the Soulforce concert on Saturday night after our tour that day. We walk up to the front entrance of Focus on the Family to greet him where he stands with other Focus officials. Den walks out to greet us as we warmly shake hands. He states that he has, as promised, given our card to Melissa Fryyear (an ex-gay who is listed as a "gender analyst"), telling her that we would like to dialogue. We tell Den, “We are the safest people you could bring in to dialogue with.” If there is anyone who understands their thinking and where they are coming from, it is us. We were brought up with the teachings that Focus on the Family, through James Dobson, is espousing.
People continue to ask us why we bother with going inside Focus on the Family. They say, "Why do you care? You aren't even talking with James Dobson." They say this as if the only way to make a difference is to talk face-to-face with James Dobson. We believe otherwise. We accept that Helen Keller knew what she was talking about when she said,
I am only one. But still I am one. I cannot do everything.
But still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do.
Helen Keller's words resonate with us. We feel within our soul the Power of ONE to Live Authentic.
We also understand their feelings when they express their obvious frustration. Because of the Power of ONE, however, we feel that if we continue talking with people inside FOTF each year, that one day, some of them will go to Dr. Dobson, and say, "Dr. Dobson...we need to sit down and talk and listen with some people we have met, because these gay people aren't like you have told us." Or, they might express, "Dr. Dobson...we can no longer do this. We have met Dotti and Roby, and they are not like you told us gay people are." What we know is that when we look at one another, them at us...us at them, we see ourselves reflected and that removes fear.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., had a dream and so do we. We learned from him that to give up hope on another human being is the greatest act of violence you can commit against that person. We will not give up hope on James Dobson. His fear is a call for love, and we have a lot of love to give. Love can impact darkness more profoundly that matching fear with fear, or expecting light out of pitting darkness against darkness.
We are committed to no violence of the fist, tongue, and heart. Trust me, that is a challenging opportunity every day of our lives. -- Dotti Berry
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