Do you remember the classic commercial where the lady screamed “Where’s the beef?”  After attending the “Love Won Out” conference of James Dobson and Focus on the Family, my cry from the depths of my soul is “Where’s the Love?”  The word “WON” in all caps in the conference title would best describe their true intent.  Make no mistake about it…love or no love, they view this as a battle they fully expect to win. They wrap the garbage, myths, and untruths they present in “love and compassion,” as if no one will know the difference.  

Sadly, they are right.  In talking with participants, most at the conference seemed to have fallen for the FOTF newly framed “love lines,” hook, line and sinker, totally missing the deeper message, which has not changed.  That bottom line is that when GLBT persons “come to Christ,” they will change into the people James Dobson and Focus on the Family want them to be.   Of course, participants, mostly conservative Christians (if the manner in which speakers addressed them is any indication) have this foundational core belief.  Focus on the Family bolsters this constantly throughout the day.

I would think their teachings were absurd, and implore people to just “ignore” them, but that is what people did during Hitler’s time.  By ignoring a group of people, believing them not to be a threat of any measure, Hitler rose to power.  Fear later made them a slave to Hitler, as he used people's differences to separate and alienate people from one another. His fear inspired methods allowed him to control people to the very end,  herding the disenfranchised to the gas chambers.

Make no mistake about it.  The conservative Christian right is NOT disenfranchised, no matter that they used the conference to “frame” their status in this manner, comparing themselves to the minority-status group during Hitler’s regime, and imploring participants not to be hijacked by the “gay agenda.”  This “disenfranchised status” is a far stretch, given that they provided the deciding votes in the last two presidential elections. And it is James Dobson, not me and Roby, who is close friends with President Bush.  The untruths and lies spoken at the conference simply cannot be ignored; people like Roby and me must continue to non-violently and lovingly challenge the myths by sharing our stories and allowing people to know us.

Rather than me attempt to convince anyone of what their goal was at the conference, let me refer to their conference website.   It states their intent as succinctly as is possible, saying that participants will “learn how to prevent their children from embracing this destructive way of life.”  Where is the “love” in that statement? Am I missing something?  This totally disregards that thousands of GLBT persons are happy and well adjusted, not struggling and mal-adjusted, as their entire day of workshops/talk would lead you to believe.

The media also failed to note the discrepancy of their new “framing” of love,  which does not match up with what FOTF presents.  The headline for the article in the Seattle Times the next day said, “Conference stresses love, help.”   The picture above the article is one from the conference displaying posters of book covers beneath the words “Focus on the Family.”  The titles say Preventing Homosexuality, You Don’t Have to be Gay,  Desires in Conflict, 101 Frequently Asked Questions About Homosexuality, and A Strong Delusion.  Do you see  one word about love.  Who is Delusional? 

The wolf in sheep’s clothing is the reality.  The attendees who want to believe so deeply that this is “God’s will,” rather than the will of James Dobson and Focus on the Family, are like the people who believed in Jim Jones and drank laced kool-aid.  They won’t know what hit them until it is too late, and they have helped cause another suicide of a teen-ager, or an adult, by pushing their message of “love.”  They won’t “get it” until it is their child who commits suicide.  Sadly, their journey into understanding will then begin.

If you think I am making this up, ask Mary Lou and Bob Wallner, whose lesbian daughter, Anna, committed suicide.  Mary Lou and Bob stood outside the conference the entire day to talk with media, and share that they were former proponents of Dobson’s delusional messages, until what they taught contributed to the death of their daughter.  Today, their mission is to save the life of even one child.   Unfortunately, Mary Lou and Bob are only one of many who have lost their GLBT children to suicide. 

For those who attended the conference and are living “heterosexually” and have a “heterosexual condition,”  (I use that term since they refer to us as living homosexually and having a “homosexual condition”), they can’t “hear” the deeper message of “you must change” because they want to believe that this style of “love” is helpful. Wrong!  Love is never based in fear, and fear was utilized during the entire day to manipulate people’s thinking about GLBT persons. For those who don’t understand, I want to say, “Of course you don’t. This isn’t about you. You are not the one being targeted. You are not being asked to repent from your heterosexual condition.”

I have no issue with people who desire to live heterosexually. My “beef” is not with those who choose to “change.”  My concern is larger than a quarter pounder could ever represent, that concern being that Focus on the Family denies the existence of happy, well-adjusted gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, who are making profound contributions to society.   Indeed, these people are not “struggling,” and they do not desire to change who they are.  Why should they? 

The conference would like to convince people that we have an “agenda,” and that we are out to recruit children and destroy the “institution” of marriage.   Think about it for a moment.  Who’s recruiting?  I am recruited on a daily basis to be someone I am not, a heterosexual.  What if our parents, friends, family and pastors had to sit through an entire day of a constant barrage of untruths about them being heterosexual, and how they could “change” if only they would “come to Christ?”  Never mind that these heterosexual people are already Christians, or people of faith.

“Twisty words” and mind games. The reverse psychology was blatant.  A powerful majority compared themselves to the discriminated group of the disempowered during Hitler’s time (Did they simply have amnesia, and forget that gay people were part of Hitler’s “chosen targets?”); speakers told sexual jokes throughout the day to a group they invited so they could educate them regarding the “sexual healing” of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons; one talk was titled “Why is What They’re Teaching So Dangerous?” listing six things we are doing to push our “campaign,” and citing one of those as “soliciting funds.”  Let’s not deny the facts.  No group raises more money than Focus on the Family to push their agenda.  With a desire to more specifically campaign in the political arena, they have recently started a new corporation (that does not have a 501(c)(3) non-profit status) so that they can solicit tax deductible contributions.  This allows them to solicit funds from their faithful millions, specifically for the political purposes of the organization (we were told when we toured Focus on the Family that both FOTF and this new organization have the same board of directors).

With the communist threat no longer existing, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons are the easiest group to target.  Focus on the Family utilizes fear about our proposed “agenda” to implore people to reach deep into their pockets and fund their efforts.  The selling they do during the conference is as sophisticated as any you will see at a real estate seminar.  During  the conference, the sounds of the cash registers were constantly roaring “Cha-Ching!”  Well, it is a metaphor, but it is an accurate one as the money spent on books and tapes that day continues to fuel their multimillion–dollar businesses.   And we have an agenda?

Whose teaching is dangerous?  Our teaching, grounded in the United States Constitution, is about according equal rights and protections.  Their teaching, emphasizing curtailing rights and spreading untruths and myths, is fundamentally flawed and therefore dangerous.  Why?  It contributes to the teen suicide rate (though this is denied in this particular talk on “Why is What They’re Teaching So Dangerous?”).  Their teaching is dangerous when it continues to split families as people utilize Dobson’s “love” approach.  I saw two people I love, my spouse, Roby, and her mother, Miriam, thoroughly splintered and broken from the experience of the conference.  You will have to talk to Roby about her personal experience, since it was not mine.  All I ask is, “What part of ‘love,’ that Dobson encourages, created this? 

Early in the morning, a speaker encouraged people to “think,” and yet the opportunity to do so was never provided.  This reminded me of my youth.  We will tell you what to think, when to think, and how to think, and if you missed any of that, ask us, and we will tell you again.  There are “rules” for every situation concerning the homosexual person and how to minister to them.  Don’t attend their holy union or anything that condones their “lifestyle,” or makes them think you are accepting them in any way , but do attend the baptism of their child.

I was surprised the conference was willing to give breaks and time for lunch.  After all, how were they going to control people’s thoughts and words during those periods?  Thank goodness for those breaks.  Roby and I used them to share our stories with people.  As we looked into their eyes, speaking face-to-face, we allowed  them to know, even if they could not understand, that monogamous couples of faith actually exist. 

Roby, crying out in pain,  used those breaks to communicate with her mother, Miriam, who was in attendance, saying “They are telling lies, Mom. It breaks my heart that you believe them.  Do you really believe that my character and destiny needs changing?” This occurred after Nancy Heche closed her talk by asking people to bless the GLBT persons they know.  She defined “blessing” as asking God to intervene in the lives of GLBT persons and change their character and destiny.  Roby’s mother sat there with her hands reaching out to receive the blessing and then gave it back as she was instructed, one of the sheep being herded each moment of the day.  To Miriam’s credit, she later sought out Roby to explain that wasn’t her intent when she joined in the “blessing.”  If you are Roby, however, and you have just witnessed this as you sit by your mother, what else would you think?  It would be like saying “Raise your hand if you believe in Santa Claus.”  If you raised your hand, I would assume that you do  believe in Santa Claus (why would I assume that you are lying?)  If I then shared with you afterwards that I don’t believe in Santa Claus, and had not since I was about ten years old, and was wondering if you could explain yourself, and you seemed “stunned” that I would think that you believed in Santa Claus simply because you raised your hand acknowledging your belief, I would feel confused.  That would be my description of why this interaction with Miriam caused confusion for Roby. 

Because the conference was about “love,” guards were posted everywhere.  Because the conference was about “love,” they never had a public, open question and answer period (every single workshop was tightly choreographed).  Because the conference was about “love,” they never had breakout groups where people could talk about their feelings and share their stories with others at the conference.  Because the conference was about “love,” as I mentioned earlier, they told participants to boycott and not attend any holy union or other service that legitimizes and/or gives the appearance that they are condoning or accepting the relationship of the same gender couple.  Do you think that some heterosexuals in America are just jealous that “somebody” might have an enduring and healthy relationship, and that if it isn’t them, no one else can have that opportunity either?  Quite frankly, I feel we all could learn from the transgender couples that I know and work with at conferences.  These couples, learning to communicate on the deepest of levels and pushing past the boundaries imposed by society, are amazing and inspire me in my own relationship with Roby. They learn not only how to survive, but how to thrive, in their relationships.  Yes, we could learn a lot from them.  Back to the conference.  While making sure the participants understand they are NOT to attend these spiritual ceremonies, where GLBT people make life commitments, they turn around and tell participants that they should go to the “baptism” of a child of a same gender couple.  What is the underlying message about that instruction?  I propose that it involves the hope of “saving” (controlling) the child, whereas the adult “gay” person cannot be corralled.   

During one part of the conference, a guard deliberately and boldly approached us as we were sitting, holding one another’s hand, in the very back row next to Roby’s mother.  With his face inches from mine, he said, “I understand that you all are back here disrupting the speaker.”  Our stunned looks told him all he needed to know as we said, “We haven’t said a word.”  What happened was that Mike Haley, their ex-gay “gender specialist” (a title given to anyone who is no longer gay) went to a guard to point out two women who were speaking softly before the speaker began.   He noticed that they were exchanging contact information.  The conference brochure had explicitly said that “seeking sexual contacts” was forbidden.  Was that the fear behind Mike’s unwarranted action of calling for the guard?

Since the vast majority of the 1200 conference participants were heterosexuals, attending to figure out how to keep us from having our dysfunctional “homosexual condition,” I am wondering if “making sexual contacts” is what people with a “heterosexual condition” do at conferences, and therefore, Focus on the Family felt the need to include it in their brochure. As I thought back to the many conferences, various in nature, I have attended throughout my life, where the majority of people attending do indeed exhibit the “heterosexual condition,” I suddenly remembered why they felt it necessary to include this statement.

The two women who were talking and to whom I referred, were Kimberly, who is happily and monogamously partnered with Cheri, and another woman at the conference.  We didn’t know the woman Kimberly was speaking to until later in the day when the woman passed a note to Roby and me (as we held hands in one of the workshops) that said, “Thanks for your loving presence.”  We talked to her afterwards, discovering that she is a lesbian who had recently moved from Philadelphia.  

Back to the guard who approached us.  Once he came into the area, Kimberly and the other woman had left the area.  He simply targeted us when they were no longer there.  Why did he assume that “we” were the ones?  One reason and only one reason…we were holding hands. 

In the Seattle Times article the day after the conference, Dr. Joseph Nicolosi said if gay men learn to form lifelong trusting friendships with straight men, their “homosexuality disappears, absolutely disappears.” This quote is amazing considering that Nicolosi said during the conference that there are only “heterosexual men with a homosexual condition.”  How can homosexuality “disappear” if it doesn’t exist?  He remarked during his workshop that his wife tells him not to use the word “always,” but that he is going to use it anyway when talking about gay men, in reference to what “causes” the “condition of male homosexuality.”  He might want to listen to his wife.  I know many gay men who have wholesome relationships with their father.  In one of our interactions with a participant, she admitted that Nicolosi’s use of absolutes did not sit well with her, as well as with a friend of hers who was in attendance.  Small lights flickered here and there.

I personally know two of Nicolosi’s “counseling failures.” Steve and Jose, a wonderful couple of faith, attended our wedding last July. Steve was a Baptist minister who was in therapy with Nocolosi for two years, in his attempt to allow God to heal him and be ex-gay,  before “succumbing” once again to the “homosexual condition,” and meeting Jose in an ex-gay ministry.   Nicolosi had recommended this ex-gay group for him to attend.  The things I could share with you about Nicolosi and his “therapy methods” would curl your hair; however, one thing I don’t do is share another’s experiences, since I have not experienced them first-hand.  You would have to talk with Steve.  If you are interested, you can contact me and I will put you in touch with Steve.

In her talk about the “Condition of Female Homosexuality,” Melissa Fryrear, their female gender specialist (again, a title acquired from being a former lesbian), continuously gets sexual orientation and gender identity mixed up.  She, like the other speakers, also expressed that if we are ok being gay, we must not have the desire to follow Christ.  That is another topic in and of itself, since it leaves no room for any spiritual path/journey that is different in any way than their truth.  She also shared that she had met hundreds of lesbians, and that she had never met even one lesbian who had not been sexually abused.  Sorry folks.  If that is the criteria for “lesbianism,” there would be a lot more of us, since I know many heterosexual women who were sexually abused.   Melissa lists an entire array of damaged family relationships responsible for the “female homosexual condition.”  Then, in the classic Focus on the Family “twisty word” scenario, while simultaneously making parents feel that they aren’t being blamed for this “condition,” she says that these damaged relationships might not really exist.  They might simply be the child’s “perception.”  WOW!  Now, we can add a child’s perception as the cause of the “homosexual condition.” 

If I sound disgusted with what transpired at the Love WON Out, you are only partially correct.  The truth is I feel downright angry. I feel like Holly Hunter, who hung her head out the window in the movie, Network, saying “I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it any more!”   The great part is that after “emoting,” she pulled herself back in and carried on with life.  I am happy that I can name, claim, and feel my anger. I have come to understand that anger is like money.  Neither is wrong, but how I utilize them is paramount.  With the teachings of Dr. King, Gandhi and others ringing in my ears, I plan to positively channel my anger, and continue to use a non-violent response, where love welcomes all.  That is what our journey, Gay Into Straight America (www.GayIntoStraigihtAmerica.com) is all about…creating authentic connections with people in order to unify us, rather than separate us, from others.

My bottom line disappointment with the conference?  They didn’t accurately portray GLBT persons.  They lumped us all in the category of “struggling, dysfunctional, and unhealthy.”  It would be like lumping all heterosexuals into the category of people who attend Mardi Gras, and pretend as if that represents the life of all with a heterosexual condition. They attempted, through their blurring of the truth and downright deception, to communicate that happy, monogamous couples of faith, who are functional and healthy beings, do not exist.  I spoke up at the end of Melissa’s last workshop to let her know that she had now met “two” people who are lesbian who had not been sexually abused (Roby and me).  I also wanted to let people in that workshop know that “we” (people and others like us) exist.  My spontaneous interruption with five minutes to go in the workshop shook Melissa because it was wasn’t in her script, and she had difficulty regaining her composure at the podium.

In all honesty, I have to mention that we did experience one “unscripted moment” with a Focus on the Family staff person. It occurred immediately after the above workshop as we  were talking one-on-one with Melissa .  We said to her, “ We hope you  received the message we left with your assistant, Cindy, when we visited Focus on the Family in May.  That message was that  we are very happy for you and we honor you and celebrate who you are.“  She thanked us.

We went on to share with her that she had stated in the newspaper in Colorado that ‘We love homosexuals, we just want to give them options.’”   We told Melissa that we would  like for Focus on the Family to consider us as one of those options.  Just as Melissa chose what was best for her, we encouraged her and Focus on the Family to let people know that people of faith like us exist and that we have stable, committed relationships. “ We are one of your options,”  we told her.

Melissa went on to ask us what we thought of the day.  Roby said “I have never felt so oppressed in all of my life.  It has been horrific to listen to the lies told about us.”   Melissa appeared “stunned,” and asked if we had not heard the “love” in their message.  I replied, “No, your love message is overridden by the myths, deceptions and lies.”  Then, Melissa apparently experienced a “slip up,” as she commented to Roby and me, “I don’t know how you all sat through this all day.  I couldn’t have done it if I were you all.”  That was the unscripted moment.  I replied “God inspires me, and I choose strength.”

I am glad that I attended.  I will not be bound by fear regarding what others are saying.  I feel it is necessary to listen, even if I don’t agree, and experience information first-hand.  This is critical if Roby and me truly live what we spoke at our wedding, “We vow to change the world through the expression of our love.” How can we be an expression of love, if we only dare to be in the midst of those who “love and accept us.”  Jesus is a great model; many despised him, and yet he loved them anyway.  He was rejected and denied by friends, and yet his actions matched his expression of love. The challenge is to be loving to those who are not, in the midst of their “claim” that what they are doing is loving.  Since it is “us” who are on the receiving end of that special Dobson/FOTF brand of “love,” would it not behoove them to listen to us share what that “love” feels like, and what we are experiencing?  Of course, since not many GLBT persons willingly attend these conferences, FOTF lives in the delusion of believing that what they are doing is loving.  They have convinced themselves this is true, and we are not there to dispel the inaccuracy of their process.  This is what we were able to express to Melissa. “You are rationalizing your behavior as loving.”  Melissa got to hear that we don’t feel the “love” in their overarching lies about whom we are.  Her “slip-up” comment communicated to us that she does not believe it either.

I John 4:18 says, “God’s Perfect Love Casts out ALL Fear.”  My hope is rooted in this verse, allowing for people to be renewed and transformed as they grow into the space of casting aside their fear, accepting GLBT persons just as we are.  If God can love and accept us, why should we accept any less from ourselves, or from others?  After all, Jesus never made a single disparaging comment about GLBT persons.

An update on what happened after the conference:  The Monday after the conference, Miriam phoned Roby and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee to talk.  When they met, Miriam immediately embraced Roby and said, "I love you."  Roby said, "I know you love me, Mom."  Miriam, with tears streaming down her face, went on to say, "I just want you to know that I have never asked God to change you, and I will never do so.  I just pray for peace and I pray that God's will is done in all of our lives."   To Roby, this was a turning point in their lives.