Dotti's and Roby's Focus on the Family Tour
“Our Adventures in Odyssey”
at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs
By Dotti Berry and Robynne Sapp
Soulforce Vigil at Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs, CO
May 1-2, 2005
Focus on the Family shut their doors..completely closed down on Saturday, April 30 and Monday, May 2. We weren’t, however, going to let Dr. Dobson’s closed doors stop us from having the opportunity to share our stories and take some love inside Focus on the Family.
On Tuesday, May 2, after having participated in the weekend-long Soulforce vigil and direct action, we deliberately missed our 11 a.m. flight out of Denver to spend the morning at Focus on the Family.
Roby: “Having been influenced by Dr. Dobson’s teachings, and having believed his anti-gay rhetoric for so many years, which nearly cost me my life, I was not going to be in Colorado Springs and miss out on an opportunity to tour FOTF.”
For Roby, it was like facing her abuser, in an effort to heal, forgive and to extend love and kindness.
We walked through the front doors of the Administration building on that Tuesday morning, and were warmly greeted by the woman at the welcome desk. We were encouraged to sign in and put on a nametag indicating we were “guests.” It felt strange and incongruent that the group who had “denied access” to us, was now greeting us as “guests.” The woman at the front desk acknowledged the beauty of our cross necklaces, and we thanked her for her recognition.
As we entered the meeting room where the tour began, Betty was up front introducing herself to the other three ladies on our tour. We were welcomed as we walked in and took our seats. Betty asked, “What brings you here today?”
Roby: I broke out into a sweat and looked right at Dotti, which was her cue to say something!
Dotti: I said to Betty, “We were in town, and came over to tour yesterday, but you all were closed, so we wanted to come back today for a tour.” We thought it best to ease into being there, just in case, due to their fear, we might be asked to leave.
About 10 minutes into the tour, Betty asked again, “So what brings you two to Colorado Springs?”
Roby: I took a deep breath, and explained, “Well, to be honest, we came into town to stand with Soulforce, and we’re here today to let Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family know that the lies he’s telling about us are not true, and they must stop.”
Dotti reached over to hold my hand, and said, “You see, we’re married, and we are people of faith, and we want Focus on the Family to know the truth about us, that we are a healthy, monogamous, happily married couple.”
Betty looked as though she had just seen a ghost, but not missing a beat, she responded with a brief, “Okay” and proceeded with the tour.
After stopping by a big window to watch all the people who were answering the huge amounts of mail, we proceeded to the little theater where guests could watch the taping of Dobson’s radio program. Betty instructed us all to go on in and take a seat in the second row.
While we were waiting for Betty to make her way down to the front, the 27-year old woman, sitting next to Roby, said, “So tell me more about why you’re here.” Roby said, “Well, having listened to Dr. Dobson since the birth of Focus on the Family in 1977, I believed what he said about gay people, and it nearly cost me my life. I came close to committing suicide due to his teachings. We came here to tour the facility and to help them to see that what Dr. Dobson is saying is untrue, and to show them that we are people of faith who honor and respect the family… but they closed down and wouldn’t let us in.”
The young woman reached over and put her hand on Roby’s leg and said, “They won’t even listen to you, will they?” Overcome with emotion, Roby broke down in sobs.
Dotti: I reached over and put my arm around Roby to comfort her, and patted her leg to console her. The three ladies sitting next to us extended their looks and touches of empathy. Betty stood at the front of the room watching all of this unfold. Once Roby regained her composure, I looked up at Betty and nodded as an indication to please proceed.
Betty told us all about how the taping of the radio shows is done there, where people can sit in the theatre and watch/listen to them. She also shared that Focus on the Family is non-profit, and that people who contribute can receive a tax deduction. She also told us that their new organization called Focus on the Family Action , a new cultural action organization that is completely separate from Focus on the Family, legally. It has been created by separating out of Focus on the Family those activities which constitute lobbying under the IRS code so that they can be expanded in scope. Betty did say, however, that both have the same board of directors. It was interesting that this "non-political" Focus on the Family organization was able to have flyers on Focus on the Family Action throughout the campus.
After Betty’s spiel about the radio broadcast, we all filed out of the little theater and into the hallway where the literature and tapes were. Roby went around the corner for a drink of water, while I stood talking with the three ladies accompanying us on the tour. They were all related – a 27-year old young lady from Michigan, pregnant with her first child, her Aunt from Minnesota, and her grandmother from Ohio. They graciously asked questions and showed interest and compassion. The grandmother exclaimed at one point, “Jesus never judged anyone!”
I asked the pregnant lady when her baby was due and she replied “July.” Dotti then asked, “Is this your first?” to which the lady replied, “Yes.” I then replied “Congratulations! I am so excited for you. No matter what Dr. Dobson says, we truly do honor family and are not out to destroy that which gave us life.”
When we finished our encounter with the three ladies, they all said they would be praying for us, and that they honored us for what we were doing. Three seeds were thus planted into three people, who live in three different states around the country. How and where those sprout, we will never know; we are simply committed to planting seeds of hope, gratitude, compassion and love.
Betty asked if we would like to speak with someone while we are on campus. We said, “Why yes, we would like to speak with Melissa.” (Melissa Fryear is the Director of the ex-gay ministry and listed as their gender issues specialist) Betty left and came back to say that Melissa and her team were in Seattle preparing for “Love Won Out,” but Melissa’s administrative assistant would be right out to speak with us.
Cindy came out with her “Love Won Out” brochures in hand. As she handed us the brochures, and said, “Melissa isn’t here, but here is the information on Love Won Out,”
Dotti: I said, “Cindy, would you have a few minutes to talk with us?” Cindy nervously looked around and said, “Well, uh, well, ok, sure.”
We proceeded back into the little theater, where we started telling her why we were there. Not a minute later, a security guard came to the doorway where we stood, and said, “Cindy, are you ok in here? Do you need anything?’ Cindy nervously said, “No…I’m ok.” Roby then piped in and said, “Would you like to join us? We’d love to talk with you, too.” He agreed. We asked his name, and he replied, "Den Patterson." Den's phone rang after spending about five minutes with all of us. He had done his job. Cindy was safe. Regardless, we were glad to have met him and felt certain we would see him many times in the future.
Dotti: I said, “Cindy, we would appreciate if you would deliver a message to Melissa for us. We would like you to tell her that we are very happy for her and we honor her and celebrate who she is.
In the newspaper, Melissa stated, ‘We love homosexuals, we just want to give them options.’”
I proceeded, “Cindy, we would like for Focus on the Family to know that we are one of those options. Just as Melissa chose what was best for her, let people know that people of faith like us exist and that we have stable, committed relationships. We are one of your options.”
At this point, Cindy continued and said that Melissa had to get out of that “lifestyle,” because she hadn’t been able to find a relationship like ours. I continued by telling her that our progressive values of love, compassion and commitment are traditional American values. We then spoke to her about the term “lifestyle,” (click here to see how Focus on the Family & others co-opt this word, aligining it with "sexual orientation and gender identity" in order to denigrate our gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community.) We also shared with Cindy what we said in our "Open Letter to Dr. James Dobson:"
In the end result, we feel sad because, on a deeper level, the pictures we have of one another are not entirely accurate, yours about us, or ours about you. In fact, if we were to have the opportunity to sit and talk with one another, we would probably discover that we have a similar lifestyle, being that we are people of faith in God, as well as married and in a monogamous and committed relationship. Webster's Dictionary defines life·style noun: the typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture. So you see, Dr. Dodson, we are more alike than we are different. Looking for the commonality between us can create a bridge for understanding. (Click here to read entire letter.)
Dotti: I offered that the “facts” being espoused by Dr. Dobson’s rhetoric are actually “myths,” and are inaccurate, saying “My parents were married almost 60 years, and Roby’s almost 50 years. There is no sexual abuse in our background. For Dr. Dobson to continue to communicate that bad parenting and sexual abuse are the reason we are gay is inaccurate.”
I also said that I would love to meet Melissa because I don’t know any people like her, meaning that I have never met anyone who has had 300-1000 sexual partners (which Dobson claims gay people have), and therefore, I would like to meet Melissa.
Cindy went on to say how Melissa and the guy who presents his “ex-gay” story for Focus on the Family have had to change their address and essentially “hide out” because people had made it so difficult for them with their “choice” of being ex-gay. I apologized to Cindy for those people who might have, in the midst of their distress of having been ostracized by Dr. Dobson’s rhetoric, lashed out against Melissa.
Cindy then said that Melissa was just “telling her own personal story” and that they were not trying to tell others how to be or live.
I said “Cindy, then it is time for Focus on the Family to change their marketing message, because that is not what is coming through to people. Roby’s mother believes she is at fault for Roby being gay, because Dr. Dobson says it is true. And Roby almost committed suicide because she believed Dr. Dobson’s teachings about homosexuality. Dr. Dobson says we are perverted and people listen and believe him, and the harm it does to families must stop.”
In all, we had a twenty-minute conversation with Cindy before it was all said and done.
We then proceeded, hand in hand, walking to the Welcome Center, our next stop. Once there, Jill, a young woman, introduced herself and we chatted briefly with her before discovering that Diane, another woman at the welcome center, formerly lived in Bellingham. Roby and Diane exchanged info about people they knew in common, and Diane wanted to know all about how Bellingham had changed in the years since she had lived there. She was quite wistful for the area, her husband having taken a job with Focus on the Family.
 Before we had the opportunity to “share our story” with Diane, Betty, our tour guide, walked into the Welcome Center. We immediately asked if she would have our picture made with her. She looked a little uneasy, as if uncertain as to what to do, but probably realized that Diane might wonder if she refused.
After the picture, we decided to check out the bookstore.
Roby: I asked where the information on homosexuality was. The booklets and books were all concerned with “how to overcome homosexuality.” We bought two small ones for “reference and research” as one of the most important things we can do is gather information when doing non-violent work, so that we have a clear frame of reference for how those who think and believe differently are framing situations.
These two booklets contained “Myths” and “facts.” One of the “myths” listed was that lesbians, like gay men, are not capable of having monogamous relationships. The booklet then developed their “fact” about this situation.
Dotti: When I paid for the booklets, I said to the cashier “I would like you to know that some of the myths and facts in your booklet are not accurate. It lists as a ‘fact’ that lesbians cannot have committed relationships. I want you to know that we are married and we are committed in our love for one another, and are people of faith. We take our vows very seriously.”
After the bookstore, we went downstairs to “Whit’s End” where “Adventures in Odyssey” is recorded. (Adventures in Odyssey are Focus on the Family’s children’s radio program). We were like schoolgirls down there, trying on costumes, taking pictures of each other, and playing with the puppets.
We proceeded back up the stairs to the front of the Welcome Center. There, our conversation continued with Diane, and she gave us a couple of Odyssey tapes. We accepted them, and then shared that we are a couple. We wanted her to know that she had met and interacted with a same gender couple. That we all discovered common threads of life in Bellingham, WA. is the gift of sharing our stories and who we are, us with others, and others with us.
People we met were gracious, and we immediately extended respect to each of them. We feel that it is impossible to get a genuine feel for one another if we don't allow people to know us. It is easy to caricature one another when we aren’t truly authentic in our connecting, and keep people at arm's distance. When we metaphorically “put one hand straight out as if to push people away, and cover our heart with the other,” we essentially keep anyone from knowing us, and vice versa, and this causes us to view one another in distorted ways. When we genuinely look at one another, we see ourselves reflected in one another's eyes, and that removes fear.
One thing we know is that we are prepared to live life in an even bigger way, making a difference with people "one person" at a time through personal connection. Where that path might lead, we aren't sure, though we have been talking about some ideas for about a year. Perhaps divine providence will reveal itself in our future! Literally, the word "providence" means foresight, though it is often interpreted to mean some control exercised by a divine direction. Foresight is the perception of the significance and nature of events before they have occurred. All we know is that we feel something stirring; what it is, we are not quite certain. What we are certain about is that it will reveal itself to us.
Little did we know at the time of being in Colorado Springs for several days the first part of May that we would make a decision on May 9, 2005, to embark on our journey, Gay Into Straight America journey! As they say, the rest of the story is history!
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